Tuesday, September 14, 2010

29 weeks

I would have been 29 weeks pregnant with Paige today if she were still alive. Why this specific gestation is so haunting to me is that my 3 year old son was born when he was just barely 29 weeks and I feel in my heart that if Paige only could have held on until now that she might still be here with me. Since Trenton is my only point of reference when it comes to birthing babies, 29 weeks gestation seems viable. I know this sounds crazy. 29 weeks is tiny. And fragile. But I saw with my own eyes that life was sustainable outside of the womb at only 2 pounds 10 ounces. It wasn't an easy road by any means, but my son is here, alive, and such a miracle to me that I am left wondering why Paige wasn't allowed the same chance at life.

Trenton - age 5 days

Trenton - age 3 years

Monday, September 13, 2010

Thankful for the Little Lambs

"Our Little Lambs" is an organization for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. They have a support group that meets at Kadlec Medical Center once a month. I was feeling a little anxious about going, but I am so glad that I went tonight. It was validating for my psyche to hear other mothers share their feelings and nod in agreement when I shared mine.

I had tried counseling with a woman at my church last week. She was very nice and definitely has a heart for God. But, I actually ended up leaving the appointment knowing more about her life than she knew about me and my daughter. She kept telling me that I should rejoice because I can grieve with hope and that I am not like those without hope. The problem is that I already knew that. I have a relationship with God. I know that Paige is in heaven and that I will be reunited with her one day. I was seeking counseling because I was feeling stuck in the grieving process and felt I needed some help.

This support group is exactly what I need right now. It is wonderful to know that I am not "going crazy" and that it is okay for me to still be sad - now and also in the years to come.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Babies, Babies Everywhere

There is definitely something in the water. I don't think there has ever been a time in all my life when there were more women with infants, pregnant, or trying to become pregnant. Some of them are friends, family, and others are acquaintances whom I come into contact with on a regular basis. I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them and as a friend I want good things for their lives. Babies are a miracle and a blessing. Yet, with each of their milestones and happinesses I find myself hurting more and more. Most of my nights are spent crying on my husband's shoulder. I try so hard to go about life as normally as I can, but the fact is that I have a new normal now. I am a mother who has lost a child. My feelings aren't something I can pack away in a box and shove away in my mind. They are here to stay. I am hoping that with time things will get easier. But, I am not sure that they ever will.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Pretty Poem

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. I think of you in silence. I often say your name. But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart.

I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I've cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place, no one can ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.

Author Unknown

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Old verses can become new again

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was feeling sad and just slightly angry at the world. I really wasn't in the mood to read my bible today. I just felt like I should. And since I really wasn't in the mood, I just began plucking through the book of Psalms with no real direction. I have read Psalm 139 before, but somehow today verse 16 was standing out like a sore thumb. It reads, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."

How amazing is that? God knew my beginning and already knows my end. It was all written in His book before I even came to be. So this must mean that He knew what was going to happen to Paige before it even happened, because He too ordained all the days of her life.

As a Christian, this is something that I already knew. Pretty basic stuff actually. But, today, it really left an imprint on my heart. It doesn't make me any less sad about losing her, however, it is comforting for me to remember that God is still holding ME in His hands and that he knows the days that lie ahead for me.

God was trying to tell me something today even though I was sulking around and in a bad mood. I could have just listened to my feelings of not wanting to read His word and maybe done some laundry or played hot wheels with my son. But I am glad that I took a few minutes out of my day to be obedient to Him. It is pretty awesome what God will show you when you just take the time to listen to His word and be present with Him. All that He wants is for us to fix our eyes upon Him which is definitely not too much for Him to ask. After all, He has blessed me more richly than I ever deserved.

My daughter may have never been able to take a breath outside of my womb but God knew that before it even happened. Paige's passing wounded my heart and soul and I will bear the scar forever, but it was not the end for me. I am still here, still standing, and God isn't finished with me yet. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son to love on and live life with everyday and I have a precious daughter waiting for me in heaven.

If anyone knows the pain of losing a child it is God. He is truly the only one who can help me navigate my way through this roller coaster of grieving. I am truly thankful that even when I am hard to be around, God wants to be around me. He hasn't left my side yet and I know He never will.