I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I was feeling sad and just slightly angry at the world. I really wasn't in the mood to read my bible today. I just felt like I should. And since I really wasn't in the mood, I just began plucking through the book of Psalms with no real direction. I have read Psalm 139 before, but somehow today verse 16 was standing out like a sore thumb. It reads, "Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."
How amazing is that? God knew my beginning and already knows my end. It was all written in His book before I even came to be. So this must mean that He knew what was going to happen to Paige before it even happened, because He too ordained all the days of her life.
As a Christian, this is something that I already knew. Pretty basic stuff actually. But, today, it really left an imprint on my heart. It doesn't make me any less sad about losing her, however, it is comforting for me to remember that God is still holding ME in His hands and that he knows the days that lie ahead for me.
God was trying to tell me something today even though I was sulking around and in a bad mood. I could have just listened to my feelings of not wanting to read His word and maybe done some laundry or played hot wheels with my son. But I am glad that I took a few minutes out of my day to be obedient to Him. It is pretty awesome what God will show you when you just take the time to listen to His word and be present with Him. All that He wants is for us to fix our eyes upon Him which is definitely not too much for Him to ask. After all, He has blessed me more richly than I ever deserved.
My daughter may have never been able to take a breath outside of my womb but God knew that before it even happened. Paige's passing wounded my heart and soul and I will bear the scar forever, but it was not the end for me. I am still here, still standing, and God isn't finished with me yet. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son to love on and live life with everyday and I have a precious daughter waiting for me in heaven.
If anyone knows the pain of losing a child it is God. He is truly the only one who can help me navigate my way through this roller coaster of grieving. I am truly thankful that even when I am hard to be around, God wants to be around me. He hasn't left my side yet and I know He never will.
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