Funny how life isn’t always what you think it will be. Things change. Bad things happen. Even though you believe in a loving God, you are not promised a perfect life. For me, this past year has been a huge reminder of these things.
Whenever Trent’s birthday rolls around I busy myself planning a big party with friends, family, food, and cake. The day is usually spent making my home spotless before guests arrive, trying to keep Trent looking cute in his birthday outfit for a few pictures, and making sure that he has the best time, is thrilled with his gifts and knows how much his dad and I love him.
Today is Paige’s birthday and it is nothing like Trent’s. She isn’t here. I can’t hug her, dress her up in a pretty birthday dress, or have a big party for her. I miss her. I know that she doesn’t miss this place at all. She is happy, healthy, and free now. That makes me so happy for her. My selfish heart just wishes she were here with me celebrating her first year of life. I would give anything to watch her smear frosting all over her chubby cheeks and giggle with all the excitement that only a first birthday can bring.
It is definitely bittersweet for me today. And even though we are not having a party with all our friends and family, we are still celebrating her life and what she meant to us. Trent and I are baking a birthday cake for her while Brian is at work and then we will take her some beautiful flowers and release some balloons for her at the cemetery this evening. It may not be the way I want to be celebrating one of my children’s birthdays, but it is what I was given and in this life I can only do the best with what I am given and I will continue to trust in Jesus. It is because of Him that I know I am one year closer to seeing Paige in heaven.
Oh Paige! How very much I miss you. You have touched my life and changed me forever. I cannot say that about many people. Your spirit will live within me as long as I continue to breathe, that I promise you. I hope you know how much you were wanted, were loved, and still are loved. Happy first birthday in heaven my sweet girl!
I so relate to this post. The one year mark was really tough for me.
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